trial

"What we have to do is deal with it when these idividuals are young enough. If you wish to be saved, not in a religious sense but not to constitute what this country at times calls if or which over. "

Blame: incrimination: an accusation that you are responsible for some lapse or misdeed. Blame: The 2nd largest word targeted, disputed, uttered, and decapacitated...hiding under the shadow subcontext of Word number 1 of the greatest noun part of the American Utopia: Gossip.
Yes. Blame beats out the word sex. Easily.

To denounce anyone who doesn't outright accept this conception as naiive or selfish would be wrong. To applaud everyone who does firmly believe in its standpoint and label them as vindicated would label me a hypocrite.

But to do something about it...that makes you something else.

"Father please forgive me for I know not what I do..."

Possibly the greatest weapon that mankind has is communication. The gift and the curse. Without it we are dead...but with it comes all our problems. But what you never want it to come to is that day when you sit in your dormroom when your roommate conveniently steps out to leave you in your desolate solitude. You think back and you think about how you got there..how great/bad it is what's come about and how your room shaped up so nicely/sloppily and it keeps on transitioning from one thought to another...the power of the human brain constantly turning and weaving until you blink for a second and realize--

.--.
P:"8th grade....we had it all. Everything was good our group was good homework wasn't such a problem...we all sat together, colleges never came in the way and darned MS didn't have Krenetzky"
Q: "Seriously...you need to stop that. Really. Okay..whatever 8th grade was this was that but i mean ...really? We're Jr's now...and I think you can stop bickering about what was and what happened and start focusing on what is. I'm not trying to be harsh but how much can you keep regret?
P: "Its not regret...its jus reminscing to worry free times until you and your gang made it a lil harder to jus walk away from it all and frankly...you simply looked the other way so i dont see why i should be listening to you."
Q: "Blame it on me all you want...but the problem is you can't for the life of you accept that things have changed...half of us have moved on while you and the rest just won't..but more importantly can't. I'm not explaining that."
P: "GOOD. Don't. Because you were a jerk to try and be all buddy buddy one night and next day you come back and you tell me "i dont feel the same way" and walk away? What do you expect me to do jus listen? And not say a word?
Q: "NO. God....No! When did i say that? I was ready to talk..you didn't want to. YOU and I just couldn't talk and you KNOW that. Don't...
P: "Don't what.....don't show you reasoning and actually make SENSE so that you choke up another story that'll shut me up? You think i'm always gonna be the one coming to talk to you?"
Q: "Listen...LISTEN. Okay. YOU talked about me behind my back and you expect me to come and talk to you after that? What you thought i wasn't gonna find out? You thought that i was completely oblivious that you were hanging out with all my friends or rather who i thought were my friends and i was jus livin it up? Keep telling yourself that..."
P: "Yeah except the fact that you keep finding reasons to blame me when it all started with--"
.--.

"--What the hell happened...to everything?"

The power of the human mind. You think and you think and your safe until suddenly...like waking up from the past...your back on that chair...the room's dark shade gray. Maybe it's us as the pawns...puppets to the pragmatists above controlling the universe and every single move that we make...every thought every action-- reaction to another's action.

"There are a lot of things I can take, and some things I can't. But what I can't take is when my older brother, who's everything that I want to be, starts losing faith in things. I saw that look in your eyes last night. I don't ever want to see that look in your eyes again. "

Jesus.
The eternal question of whether one should regret or shouldn't. Some claim they shouldn't...more in efforts to convince themselves rather than others...while others claim they should--to learn to understand to experience...but most of all for practical reasons--how can one live without regret. Oh so true.

And yet there are others...who like to play the side that sounds the most intuitive and well thought out and who bodes well with friends on either side of the issue by saying "it depends on the situation...given this ____, given that ____"
..."Or have we eaten on the insane root
That takes the reason prisoner?"...And till about 2 weeks back I would never have envisioned myself ever quoting MacBeth, let alone Shakespeare upon my own will. But how true...and we will leave it at that.

"Everything's gonna be alright
Stiffen that upperlip up little lady, i told ya"

We are so quick...so easily ambushed by fear. We are surrounded by movies and pop culture, the countless Supermans and Marvel heroes that have saved us from the plight of reality that we rely on them...unknowingly...to relinquish our fears. M. Night Shyamalan couldn't have put it better--
"It's allright to be afraid, because this part won't be like a comic book. Real life doesn't fit into little boxes that were drawn for it."

We are so ready to imitate...so ready to find bits and pieces of ourselves in Peter Parker and Clark Kent...but fear in real life doesn't take the form of the Green Goblin or Lex Luther, no Joker to torture our minds and no Estra-Terrestrials (...yet) to threaten our annilation.

What the hell happened...to everything?

Everyone who reads this is gonna somehow relate the P & Q conversation to something of their own. Some will take it as a direct reference to a previous argument or trauma...some will relate to some parts and lose themselves in others...and some will probably get angry thinking its all about them and what happened.

Its not. But it damn well is fun to see how our own perceptions play into our understanding of what is read. Everything that has happened in your life no other person shares...and from that you take from it a completely different idea than you do...and therein lies the essential fact: One argument. Generic? By no means. Connected? By every means.

Somehow in some way anyone who has gotten this far will have understood from that P & Q argument something--almost unique to whoever the reader may be. But when it comes down to it there are a few essentials: One--that conversation branched to much more than the initial point, Two--one person will look at P and relate to it as right and others will relate to Q and see it as justified...depending on the argument you relate this off-the-top-of-my-head dish out...and others will see parts of them in P and Q while others....would have probably given up and labeled me totally nuts ...but can't think of me as all that bad smirking at the screen having come this far.

"It's hard for many people to believe that there are extraordinary things inside themselves, as well as others. I hope you can keep an open mind. "

Don't look back on that friend you lost. Don't look back on that group you left. And don't come to the realization when its too late....We are all here to enjoy ourselves. So much has happened in everyone's life...some extremes in tragedy and others with laugh out loud fun this summer...but why consciously ignore those dull, distasteful moments when you think about what if and a gloom overlooks your face that you can't control. Why sit back and complain about what could have been...what should have been...and sit there not trying to change a thing.
Why bother to care so much....if you're not willing to risk anything and everything for it.

I swear to you....there must be some truth...some underlying motive to become friends. There must be something there. If your willing to let it go...think about what your doing..think about how you act and what's going through your head. If you really could care less moving on...then do it. But don't sit there and worry about embarrasment. Don't play the nitty games on who seems more desperate or who will laste longer in the war of not saying a word to one another. I dont think words do this emotion justice. Don't sit in that seat....not when its too late.

Remember that boy meets world episode the reunion after the argument they never remembered::

Eric comes back as PlayswitSquirrels...and with him his Manifesto--a compilation of possibly 2 million pages and writing on one:

Lose one friend.
Lose all friends.
Lose yourself.

---

And if your a true fan...that beat better be playing in the back of your head...as you step up from the seat you will never again rely on.

How is it that...everything became so complex?
We, what we like to call human beings, started out with one man and woman who realized the need for food. From that moment--everything changed.

Right now we’re all 15,16, 17, maybe even 18. Most of us in high school, many of us on our way to college, all following a systematic scheme that has been depicted by our elders and those around us as the ‘way of life.” But see then you start seeing these things right...these wars these terrorist attacks these political “mishaps” these circles of corruption that people are too afraid to attempt because they know in the end they’ll end up in a mess. It’s all a problem that’s become so much of a problem that you can’t really help it. So in your high school, you have a name for yourself, a place an identity. Out on the streets, when your watching a sport you don’t play, when your roaming around the mall or just walking--your just another one to everyone else’s eyes. You’re a nobody you’re the same you are...still you. Isn’t it funny? The government spends all this money on trying to create programs like D.A.R.E. to decrease or “eliminate” the use of drugs and trying to dissuade kids from using it. When you really think about it though how is it that the government can control anything and everything that matters, or so they imply to the public, from imports to exports to government documents to...anything that needs to be distributed accordingly--everything is kept on track--except drugs which somehow someway...find the one loophole that’s there? Hell if the government wanted trafficking to stop they could do it with a snap of their fingers---but they don’t. Don’t believe me? Research it. Apparently the U.S. and India just signed a nuclear weapons agreement signifying the right of India to create and produce nuclear weapons (as if the right was the U.S.’s to give), and now we have an apparently fabulous situation for India. But then you think about it and the U.S. just gave permission to a country who’s ally they desperately need incase animosity with China reaches an all time high and they need dependence on a country in that region. Hell now that they’ve given it to India and no-one else that asked for it what do you expect them to do? South Korea and Iraq aren’t going to sit there and watch. It’s all relative--it’s a game.
            We look at it all and we’re thinking this whole freakin’ world is screwed. It’s got itself tied up and in time its gonna blow up not even by everything that the great scientists predict but by ourselves, the very creators of this “great” civilization, a process that would’ve been inevitable given the ideology of life. Heck we’re all still working tough to follow the schematics of making money  and welfare--all we care about is doing well and it seems to us like we’re the good kids because we’re not out getting high and drunk every Saturday night like half of our schools. Then you think about it and your just adding to it all by going on with your life pretending like nothings wrong and that someone else  will take care of it. That’s funny because last time I checked I didn’t see too many kids racing to change the corruption of the government or doing work for no money in return--its all about marginal cost and benefit to us. Society around us isn’t perfect, and it never will be. But it is our duty to change it. At least...that’s what was supposed to happen.

            I’m sitting here thinking hell I can’t even sit down and work for a good 1 ½ hours without losing focus or go out and chill with friends or watch a movie or dig into food. That discipline is lost but I still get by with not the bare minimum, but close enough to it, according to my standards. I watch and I learn about things around me and I feel intrigued and I think to myself--what the hell am I gonna do about it? Seriously...what can I do? I look at the fact that I don’t want a life where I’m out curing sick patients in Africa and try to solve crises they tend to fall upon. I don’t want to go into Congress or any other judicial system and take over the seats of the ignorant money-making party-sided politicians of today. Heck I’m still trying to find out that one thing I’m actually good at...And then I fall asleep wake up the next day and life takes over. Work, business, money, everything--it just pulls you back on track...or is it off?
            We’ve all got billions of things in our lives to worry about, to be happy about, to be proud of, to be disappointed about, to be wrapped up in. But you ever think that if you can fit all of that...what’s it to you to put in one more? If you dedicate yourself to dealing with relationship problems and problems around the house, can’t we dedicate some of our time to the world...?
            The obvious and of course easiest answer is yes. Most would agree. But chances are you and I will watch the inspirational movies, read the inspirational writings, listen to the inspirational speeches--never forget them mind you--but lose the effect it had upon us, for those 2 min. or 3 hours or 30 seconds. Life takes over...

I sit here with face in my hands. What have I been doing? Seriously--what have I to speak of...yeah I’m 16 but I have not reached what some people only achieve when they’re 23--realization, identity, being, independence, achievement, pride, truth, problems, faults, motivations, inspirations, drive, epiphany, calm, motive...

It is my choice to reach it now...not at this very moment but during this duration of my life.

If there was anything remarkable about this man...it was his eyes--unwavering, never faltering, proud, and clear.
The first thing to strike me about this man...was his voice...or the one that was distinguished from within.
It was then that this man broke out of the shadows to fulfill the destiny solely meant for him.

Be the change you want to see in the world.
You do it already...just by being productive.

If only I ....